The League

Adam Hoff

Adam Hoff

The co-author of The Football Uncyclopedia

God Is Watching, Goodell



To: Roger Goodell

From: Jerry Jones

Subject: Our little scoreboard problem


I've been made aware that you take issue with our new scoreboard and the fact that the occasional punt slams into it during a game. Setting aside the fact that outfielders have to scale a small mountain at Minute Maid Park and the fact that you obviously aren't testing backup punters aggressively enough for PEDs, I want to alert you to something mighty important: you're going against God, my friend.

You've probably heard it said that the opening in the roof of Texas Stadium existed so that God could look down upon the spender of the Dallas Cowboys and watch them play his preferred game, which is of course American football. Well, this new stadium has got what they call a retractable roof. You see where I'm going with this? If there's a lightning storm overheard or we start getting hail the size of golf balls, we're going to want to sew this baby up and protect our players out there. Can't very well shut God out when we do though, you understand? He asked me specifically to put this gigantic scoreboard right below the roof, so that he can still watch the Cowboys. You don't like it, you take it up with Him.

Oh, and I should probably mention one other thing here. God let me know that He was willing to watch us play on his flat screen while sitting on a big puffy cloud up in heaven and that we could skip the roof and the scoreboard altogether. He's a pretty magnanimous God, and he's got one hell of a TV, from what I hear. Just one problem, Commish. God doesn't have DirecTV. He's got Time Warner. Funny thing about DirecTV, Commish, they seem to be the only game in town when it comes to the NFL Sunday Ticket. You can imagine God's anger when he realized that he was going to be stuck watching regional coverage of Seahawks games every Sunday (somehow, he's claimed the Pacific Northwest as "His country," which is something I'm working out with him even as you read this). The anger was real, Commish. We're talking smiting, flooding, and the decimation of cities. In fact, I did you a favor. If it wasn't for my scoreboard, there would probably be no NFL right now.

Sounds to me like the ball is in your court, Commish. You end the DirecTV monopoly and give God his Cowboys games every Sunday and I'll go ahead and slap that scoreboard on a wall, where He can't see it.


By Adam Hoff  |  August 26, 2009; 10:24 AM ET  | Category:  Dallas Cowboys , Roger Goodell Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati  
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Trust me, God does not have Time Warner. He's way too smart for that.

Posted by: marvschlom | August 26, 2009 9:47 PM

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