The League

John Morgan
Seahawks Blogger

John Morgan

An avid football fan and writer for Field Gulls.

Oakland Fires Everyone

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Citing Article XXIV, Section 5 of the collective bargaining agreement, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has fired his entire staff and every member of his roster. The section defines the NFL's minimum salary, a minimum Davis asserts is invalid in the "Final League Year." It was the striking conclusion to a surreal press conference that began with four minutes of unbroken silence. Davis ignored reporter's questions and waived away aids. He broke the silence by saying "the following men are fired..."

He fired executives, players, former players and coaches. Davis severed his contract with Friendly Vending, citing slow restocking of Hot Tamales. He fired Strength and Conditioning Coach Brad Roll and added "you got an hour to grab your jock and vacate, Roll." He fired every member of his roster by name, firing JaMarcus Russell twice.

Later approached by reporters at his locker, Russell refused to comment when asked "How do you feel about personally destroying one of the league's most storied franchises?" Darren McFadden was nearby, sobbing openly and pressing his wrists to his brow.

"This is just such a happy day," gushed McFadden. "You think you get drafted by the Raiders and that's it, your NFL dream is over. But then you get fired and it's like a second chance."

Rookie free agent from Harvard, Desmond Bryant, had a more measured opinion. "Teresa Anne Knickman, in her Hoopes winning essay 'More Dead than Dead', postulates that a person suffering the late stages of dementia can become quite agitated and active before entering a complete vegetative state. In that way, Mr. Davis is like Ruckly being wheeled towards the Shock Shop."

After firing his players and most of the Raiders organization, Davis said he would hold open tryouts and remake his roster.

"I've worked with liars like Lane Kiffin and I've worked with failures like Mike Shanahan, but I've never worked with a bunch of sucks like these Raiders. I say I can hire garbage men and dock workers and lose and not pay millions to do so. And it's my right by the CBA to do so. If my Art Powell is stuffing lettuce in-a taco shell somewhere, I am here sayin' you can play pro football--you can beat [former Raiders corner] Stanford Routt."

Davis won't be able to compete in the 2009 regular season without the approval of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Goodell issued a statement stating, in part, "The League regrets to hear of Mr. Davis' decision" and that Special Advisor and former Raider Head Coach, John Madden, has been sent to reason with Davis. His bus departs Monday morning and is expected to arrive Thursday.

Goodell's statement ended with a stern warning, "Until Raiders owner Al Davis rescinds his decision to fire his entire organization, the league is forced to forfeit all future Raiders games."

By John Morgan  |  September 28, 2009; 9:42 AM ET  | Category:  Detriot Lions , NFL , Oakland Raiders , Roger Goodell Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati  
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