The League

Brian Tarcy

Brian Tarcy

The author of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Football with Joe Theismann and the creator of the NFL humor prediction website

Torture on the Cuyahoga


I get it. You asked a Cleveland Browns fan because torture is funny in Washington D.C. Well, considering that I expected the Browns to stink, they're worse than that. But let me ask you, haven't I suffered enough?

The team's offense has scored one garbage time touchdown in their last eight NFL games. Isn't touchdown deprivation against the Geneva Convention?

Frankly, I'm not even sure the Cleveland Browns are in the NFL anymore. Brady Quinn appears to have the arm strength of Marcia Brady or maybe, at best, Sally Quinn. Eric Mangini stood on the sidelines yesterday with his hat turned askew as if he were a five-year-old boy who just got kicked off the swings by the mean bully in Denver.

The Browns defense is more generous than the Bill and Linda Gates Foundation and the overall strategy couldn't win a game of Chutes and Ladders. The owner is involved in some British soccer team and the team traded the rights to a quarterback who just beat the New England Patriots for the rights to draft a center who doesn't know how to snap in the shotgun.

The Browns play Quinn instead of the unpopular Pro Bowl quarterback who sits on the bench. Meanwhile the twin brother of the brash New York Jets coach and the son of an even brasher father is on staff but under the supervision of a guy who thinks the NFL is the CIA.

Here's what it's like to be a Cleveland fan: Lebron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers is probably going to New York. In the last year, the Cleveland Indians have traded away two Cy Young Award winners and the second best hitting catcher in baseball.

The Browns are more disappointing.

By Brian Tarcy  |  September 21, 2009; 10:45 AM ET  | Category:  Cleveland Browns Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati  
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Please email us to report offensive comments.

I'm a Redskins fan. My girlfriend is a die hard Cleveland sports fan. What a pair we are.

Posted by: BrokenClipboard | September 21, 2009 12:33 PM

I thought I had realistic expectations for this season - the first two games have tempered these relatively low expectations. The Brown simply look horrible in essentially all aspects (except you, Phil Dawson).

My wife is a Bengals fan. Top that combination.

Posted by: floucka | September 21, 2009 3:29 PM

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