The League

Brian Tarcy
Author

Brian Tarcy

The author of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Football with Joe Theismann and the creator of the NFL humor prediction website Whatzgonnahappen.com

LeBron's Drano Beer finds T.O. a home

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I am a Cleveland Browns fan. This an open letter to the Pittsburgh Steelers. I hate you. Please sign Terrell Owens.

I'll admit to some selfishness in my recommendation. As the summer of LeBron has caused this Cleveland native to stare with thirst at a bottle of Drano as if it was called Drano Beer, I am begging the Pittsburgh Steelers to sign Terrell Owens.

So Pittsburgh Steelers, have you you ever seen T.O. do pushups in his driveway? Those are Hall of Fame pushups. Although there are rumors that he has resorted to hydraulic lifts for the pushups and to Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon for the muscles, you must remember one important fact: you are the Pittsburgh Steelers.

T.O will be a distraction from Ben Roethlisberger's problems.

This, in fact, is a letter of kindness, much like your kindness when you "baptized" me in Iron City beer after a certain Art Modell sold his despicable soul for 30 pieces of silver on a tarmac in Baltimore. It's been more than a dozen years and I still can't quite get past that creepy feeling of three years with no actual way to hate you, and I can't get past the smell of that beer either. Or maybe it's just beer. But I digress.

Look, Pittsburgh Steelers -- I know that you need a distraction. I am a nice neighbor who wishes you ill yet feels your pain in being forced to cheer for a creep (hello Albert Belle), so let me cut to the chase - T.O. at the end of his career may be the perfect citizen. That's a disaster for you, so you can cut him as soon as he lets go of his walker.

The better case scenario is that he is exactly the lunatic you are looking for. In which case, you put him in front of a microphone whenever you can. And make him talk about your quarterback three times a week.

I believe this is a formula for success. Yes, I feel good with this plan.

By Brian Tarcy  |  July 15, 2010; 8:17 AM ET  | Category:  Free Agency , Pittsburgh Steelers , Terrell Owens Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati  
Previous: Reward gone, risk remains | Next: Age, baggage keeping T.O. unemployed

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Right on Brian. I'm sure other fellow Browns fans are in agreement.

Posted by: floucka | July 16, 2010 2:13 PM

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